Tales of What If 2
by Candy-Kisses
Summary: The Sequel To The First- 'Tales Of What If'. Hilarious Tales Of What If's From Me. SOMETHIN NEW IS POSTED!
1. What If Goldmember Came to the Island

Chapter One: **What If Goldmember Came to the Island**

Sawyer busted out of the woods. He almost tripped when he came right out with such a speed. He stopped for a minute and rested his hands on his knees to catch his breath, just for a few seconds; then he was off again.

He ran all the way to the beach where Kate sat in a chair and Jack stood over her. They talked about the situation with the tide coming in further to the woods each time.

"You should come to the caves, Kate, please." Jack begged. But more in a suddle way, trying to make it seem more of advice/orders.

"I told you already, Jack. No!" she answered, shaking her head.

"Guys! Guys!" Sawyer yelled. He came down the beach, this time not as quick, more of a jog.

Kate and Jack immediately turned their attention to him. It wasn't like Sawyer to come running to Kate and the good ole' Doc.

"What's wrong, Sawyer?" Kate asked.

Sawyer finally got up to them and rested on his knees once more. But quickly started to talk.

"I heard a man." He said.

"What?" Kate asked, scrunching her eyes together.

"I was out taking a piss, and, and, a dude. I heard a man. He was somewhere by a bush, and when I was pissing, I heard him say something like 'must... paint... yahoo... gold!' and when he said gold, he stressed it for a very long time. And his voice was very weird." Sawyer explained.

"What? Wow," Jack said.

"We should investigate." With that, Kate walked over to Locke.

Locke looked up at her. "What?" he asked, he found it rather strange how she was just hovering over him like a Voltaire.

"I need a weapon. There's a dude in the woods, or so Sawyer says."

"Okay, here's your knife, and I'm coming along."

Locke and Kate came back to Sawyer and Jack who were fighting over who gets to hold Kate when she gets scared.

"What are you two talking about?" Kate asked.

"Nothing," Sawyer said while looking around and whistling.

"Locke here is coming with. Be nice, Sawyer." she said.

With that they were all off.

It was about 2 minutes by the time they reached the spot where Sawyer peed.

"What a wimp," Jack said, judging by how far Sawyer would go for a pee.

"I like my privacy," Sawyer said in a whiney voice like a little kid would.

"Gold," said a man behind a bush, stressing the 'O' in gold.

"Over there," Sawyer said.

They all slowly walked over to where he was, knives at the ready. Jack signaled that they would all go in 5 second. He held up his fingers and mouthed the count down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1!

They all quickly looked over the bush with their knives held high in the air.

They saw a man, an old man. With white hair and a gold sweater and pants on. He looked up at them with fear.

"Who are you?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, and why were you watching me piss?" Sawyer said, once again in the whiney voice.

"I wanted," the man in gold started. "I wanted to paint your wang gold."

"Well, you could have asked, instead of saying things in a perverted way!"

Jack looked over at Sawyer for a second, then back to the freaky, mysterious man. "What's your name?" Jack asked.

"Goldmember," he answered. "I come in peace."

* * *

Goldmember was back at the beach now with everyone else. People would sometimes go up to him, but when he said something about gold, they would get freaked and run. 

But there was one who didn't scream and run, there was one who would stand proud, stand tall, love his fellow patriotic people persons, one who was strong, bold, and most of all daring, one who was... Sawyer? No, no! Bring the camera over there. Okay yeah, that's good. (Clears throat) one who was... Sayid!

Sayid walked over to Goldmember.

"So, Goldmember, eh?" he asked.

"Yesh," he answered with his crazy dutch accent. "GOLD!"

"Shhh," Sayid said. "So, you like to paint yahoos gold do ya?"

"Yesh."

"Hmm," Sayid hummed, "You know. I've always wanted a pretty one."

Goldmember smiled. "Really?"

"Yeah. You wanna...?" Sayid asked.

"YESH! YESH! YESH!"

Goldmember got up and ran around like crazy and shouted: "I GET TO PAINT HIS YAHOO GOLD."

He stopped by one couple and said lowly. "Gold."

Then he ran over to another couple and said: "Bam!" and then went lower. "Fry from Futurama."

That whole day Goldmember was excited, then 8:00 PM, him and Sayid were nowhere to be found.


	2. What If Sawyer Was Gay Part 2

Chapter Two: What If Sawyer Was Gay. Part 2

Sawyer lay in his tent of a house. He looked out the little crack where the fabric wasn't tied to the pole that supported the place. He was watching Jack.

Jack was standing over Kate as she sat in the lawn-chair. Sawyer knew they were talking about him, well at least judging by the glances they would send over a little once in a while. They didn't see him peeking through though, they just knew he was in there.

They started to laugh, and Sawyer could see the little flirty eyes Kate gave Jack. He cursed under his breath at Kate then turned on his back.

He looked up at his dirty fingernails. They were full of dirt and who knows what.

"Sick," Sawyer said.

He stood up and was about to walk out of his tent, but then suddenly thought of Jack and Kate out there. "What if they see me?" Sawyer asked himself quietly. "But my fingernails are disgusting. They must be cleansed. That's why I'm going out, and I have just as much of right to clean my fingernails as Kate and Jack do both." With that he held his head high and emerged out of his tent.

He glanced over at them for one second, but they both glanced at him and he quickly turned his head to the right and walked towards the water. He cursed once more at Kate under his breath.

* * *

Sawyer knelt down and submerged his hands into the cold, clear water. He shivered at the coldness that shot through his whole body.

He started to dig under his nails with a nail on the opposite hand. The whole time wincing in disgust that he was touching this... muck. He started to hear the 'hush' sound of someone walking through the sand.

He lifted his head to see Kate. He turned back to his fingernails and dreaded her complete arrival. But it did come.

"Sawyer," she simply said once she reached him.

He looked up to see her staring at him. "Hello," he said, then looking back at his nails and starting his wince again.

"I want to tell you something." She said.

"What's that?" he asked, not bothering to look up at her.

"I want you to try and get Jack from me," she answered, it sounded like there was someone inside her saying it for her.

Sawyer switched to the other hand. "Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because, I wasn't fair. I fought with names and fists. Then Jack came, and it was obvious he'd want me more than you just because the fact that I'm a girl and he's not gay. I think I should give you a chance for the man you love."

He looked up at her, almost amazed. He lifted his drowning hands out of the icy water and wiped them on his normal blue T-shirt. "Really?"

"Yeah, I know he wont fall for you, but it's only fair." She answered.

"Won't fall for me?" he asked, "I'll show you not falling for me."

With that, Sawyer stomped off to where Jack was. In a short time he reached Jack, and before he started his flirting he looked back at Kate one more time and grinned cockily.

Then he did the most outrageous flirting techniques...

To be continued... in a little while... probably not for a long time... sorry...

_Hey Guys. I don't know if you'd class this chapter quite, well, funny. But I was just working up to the funny stuff. And you might not see the next part until the 3rd sequel. That is if there is one, if not, I'll make a special story just for it. _

_Please review!_


	3. SORRY SORRY!

Hey guys! I'm sooo sorry I haven't been reviewing! I have writer's block (meaning I can't think of anything to write) and I've been busy! There isn't gonna be a chapter right now, but please I'm gonna look to you fans in my time of need! LOL! Please tell me what you'd like to see me write about or tell me what chapter to continue!

You can all give me ideas cause I'll do em all when I get the chance!

If you give me an idea:

Tell the man charater/chracters, what you want them to be like, and tell me your plot! And I'll you give you the credit for everything but the writing, because I would be the one writing it LOL!

And if you want me to continue a chapter, just tell me what one, from this one or my old one!

Thank you, bye! SORRY!


End file.
